Rightly, or wrongly being a divorced single mother can carry a social stigma. The rhetoric we hear and see through the mainstream and social media often reinforces the stereotype of a downtrodden, hapless individual with a failed marriage and little prospect of finding future happiness. Of course, we know this isn’t the case, but there are some out there who can intentionally or not, perpetuate this myth with the things they say. There is no book containing all the right divorce information and advice to give a single mother nearing 40, but there are a few things we know they can live without hearing.
‘Give people a chance!’
Okay, so there is some useful advice in there to a degree, but this approach can lead to a lot of time spent on people who are not right. The unfortunate realities of dating today mean that women who already feel at a disadvantage because of their domestic circumstances, can be more exposed to behaviours such as ghosting and zombie-ing which can lead to feeling rejected. Having standards and keeping to them is attractive and a partner with good potential will understand single mothers have priorities.
‘There is someone out there for you’
This is a classic case of easier said than done. This remark, although usually well-intentioned, suggests that all you have to do is simply find someone, as if looking through a wordsearch. It can feel flippant and insincere. For a woman approaching her forties, the potential suitors out there have often been through their own negative relationship experiences. This can bring with it issues that can make a connection or new relationship challenging. Choose your words carefully.
‘I’ve got this friend….’
If anything sends chills down the spine of a divorced woman it’s the dreaded, ‘I know someone else who is single’ line. This may sound unappreciative but immediately, a single mum is thrust into the potentially awkward scenario of turning down said friend and having to deal with an uncomfortable conversation. Or, they may like this person and the feeling isn’t reciprocated. Double discomfort. Either way, tread carefully when matchmaking.
‘I’d rather be in your situation than mine’
If you’re a happily married woman with a few niggles to do with toilet seats being left up and socks on the bathroom floor, then it’s probably best to keep your gripes to yourself if the divorced mother you’re telling has just come through a divorce. Yes, all our problems are relative, and important in their own right, but tying in a bit of sensitivity with comments like this won’t go amiss.
‘Tell us your funny stories about dating’
There’s a caveat with this one as we all enjoy listening to a light-hearted date story. But, for a single mother in her late thirties, this date could have been the umpteenth on the run where it has gone wrong again. Many mothers who are dating find it a hard process to go through and take things seriously, especially as children are potentially involved down the line. Sometimes, it’s better to wait until they offer that hilarious anecdote off their own bat.
‘I don’t understand why you haven’t met someone yet’
If you know a single mother has been dating for sometime and has yet to find a serious relationship, then avoid asking this question. It’s unclear what kind of information people are looking for after asking this, but surprisingly, people still do. Again, apply a bit of compassion and wait until you are told the details.