Breastfeeding in Public: Dear Dickheads…

One thing I’ve noticed about being a mother and a woman in general is that everybody loves a pair of tits unless they’re doing what nature actually intended them to do.

Whenever the internet gets hold of a breastfeeding story, whether it be a woman feeding her baby in public, a celebrity posting a photograph of themselves feeding their babe, or an article about extended breastfeeding, a good majority of the comments are flooded by a sea of complete and utter cock wombles. You can almost feel them recoil in horror from hundreds of miles away. These utter cock wombles then feel the need to start shitting through their fingertips to make sure we all know the horror they experienced at seeing approximately 1/8th of a breast. “Boobs are sexual objects, save them for the bedroom” you see them scream! Well, sorry to be a buzz kill but boobs aren’t there for you to wank over; they’re actually there to make milk to feed babies! Fucking shocking, I know!

These comments are met by the minority fighting back to these morons with “breastfeeding is natural”. And it is; feeding a baby is natural. Which is met back by another common misconception people appear to have during online rows about feeding in public, and that is comparing breastfeeding to taking a dirty great steaming dump in public. “Taking a shit is natural too! Wouldn’t like it if I squatted over your pie and chips, would you!?” they shout! Please, you’re embarrassing yourself now.

Just because nature also intended for you to shit from an asshole, does not mean that comparing breastfeeding to taking a dump puts them anywhere near on the same level. You seem to be very mistaken as to which body parts are for what, seeing as you currently appear to be talking through the wrong orifice. 

To the people who argue that breastfeeding is private and should only be done in a darkened room with blacked out blinds – it’s 2017 not ye olden days. Women (and their boobs), are allowed to leave the kitchen now! I know that may come as a surprise to those who seem to not realise that a vagina doesn’t clamp down the second one attempts to leave the house, like a Tesco trolley going up a hill.

Another surprising thing is that babies get hungry wherever they are, and we all know what babies do when they’re hungry and really, which option is worse?

May I also point out that just as not everybody can breastfeed, not everybody can pump, so the argument of “why can’t you just put it in a bottle” can pretty much fuck off too because it’s impossible for some women. Not only that but maybe they just don’t fucking want to.

To those who think telling a mother that a filthy public bog is an appropriate place to feed anyone, let alone a baby – feel free to sod off and eat your goats cheese panini surrounded by the aroma of somebody else’s piss. No? Didn’t think so.

To those who liken public breastfeeding to exhibitionism and/or who think mothers should cover up the 1 inch of boob flesh (which is pretty much all that actually shows when you’re feeding a baby) with a blanket – please sit the fuck down. I don’t know about you but the last time I tried sucking on something under a blanket I nearly passed out, so I’m sure as shit not suffocating my baby just for you. If you don’t want to see that, then look away or fuck off. It really is that simple.

To those who always chip in with the “a child that age doesn’t need breastmilk, the Mother is just doing it for herself”. Can I just say, on behalf of all Mums who are “still” breastfeeding, that we are absolutely not doing it for ourselves. Breastfeeding a toddler is 98% getting smacked around the face followed by a swift kick to the jugular every 30 seconds or so. It’s pinching, it’s nipple twisters, it’s having your tits literally ripped out of your bra and let me just tell you, a bite from a child with a full set of teeth is a lot more painful than one with 2. So yeah, definitely not doing it for ourselves.

Lastly, you get the dickheads who well, think with their dick heads. The “oof I wouldn’t mind joining in har har har” type dickheads. The comments section equivalent of an unwanted, bald-bollocked dick pic and well, anyone who thinks there is anything remotely sexual about feeding a baby needs some serious help and quite frankly, I’d rather grate my own nipples off than have you anywhere fucking near me or my tits.

Let me dumb it down:

Feeding a baby in public, with a boob, bottle, spoon, cup, tube =  Perfectly okay.

Being a dick about someone feeding their baby in public = Not okay.

Mums should be able to feed their babies however and wherever they need to, without a flock of cunt puffins flying down to shit their unwanted and ridiculous opinions on them. We probably already have enough shit covering us from the poonami earlier, thanks very much.

So, until we all start whacking both knockers out and lie spread-eagled on the floor of the fucking M&S Cafe singing “dooooo my tits hang low” whilst spraying milk in the air creating some sort of milky rainbow, to feed our babies, then other people can sure as shit keep their opinions to themselves.

Yours Sincerely,

Every Breastfeeding Mother Ever Who Just Wants To Feed Her Fucking Baby

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About Georgina Gardner

Mum of 2 girls, future wife to Ben. Feminist, wiper of arses, mental health warrior, spoonie and taker of no shit. You can follow my blog and find me on Twitter

Image credit: Georgina Gardner

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