Ahh, it’s always a moment of surprise joy when two young, beautiful, rich and well-manicured lovebirds announce they are tying the knot. The papers swipe away their front pages to present us with the “Ultimate Souvenir Edition With Commemorative Tat Taped On” whilst the rolling news channels go into a spiralling speculative meltdown – who will make the dress, where will the stag do happen, will she keep acting, what will the babies look like, etc etc… So far, so gooey.
But let’s spare a moment for K-Midz, up the duff with sprog No.3 and probably looking forward to the upcoming nuptials with a sinking feeling of utter horror. She’s due in April, which is… let me work it out… yes, literally ONE MONTH before the big do. Ouch.
As a fellow female person who also happens to be due a pooing, possetting treasure in April, I can tell you my May plans involve nothing more than getting through the days. Obviously, I will not benefit from the team of stylists, nannies, night nurses and PAs, but there are some facts around pregnancy and childbirth that make those first few weeks of life just a bit of a shitty shitstorm that no amount of money, celebrity or royal connections can cushion you from.
She’ll be sore (remember those awful tearing statistics), probably trying to establish breastfeeding (so no missing a feed!), coping with broken nights and smuggling her donut cushion everywhere – all while the world’s media look on, expecting her to fit into a skeletal size 6, with perfectly coiffed hair, smudge-free make-up and zero eye bags. Unrealistic much?
I know it’s hard to believe, but despite being a princess she’s still a real person – she deserves a bit of a lying in period post-birth, not to be paraded like a circus exhibit. Particularly not when she’s already got two other darlings running rings around her.
So as a similarly pregnant woman, here’s my plea: if you happen to be super famous/royally-inclined and planning on announcing surprise nuptials in just a few months’ time, maybe consider pushing it back by just a few weeks so that your gestating sister-in-law is a) awake, b) capable of sitting on a hard church pew and c) not just the other side of one of the most emotionally, physically draining experiences known to humanity!
I asked the Motherload Facebook group if anyone else felt a bit sorry for poor Kate…
- Laura said: “I thought the same! I’m due in April and have a wedding to go to in May. There’s no way I’m not going because it’s one of my best friends so I’m worried about what state I’ll be in and whether my toddler will be having constant meltdowns. At least the world won’t be watching me though!“
- Michaela said: “Yes!!! My brother’s wedding was the day after my due date back in the summer, was horrified I would miss it! And had to buy a maternity/nursing dress that was both wedding-y and suitable for running around after my 2 year old. I also had to give up being a bridesmaid… thankfully baby arrived a week later and I made the wedding but OMG the stress of it!“
- Rachel said: “…But she will have a nanny, make-up artist, hairdresser, someone to dress her, a chauffeur, a cleaner and a cook, plus someone designing her a flattering dress… Silver linings! I don’t envy her though, I wouldn’t want to be in the public eye, especially not with a newborn!“
- Tracey said: “Poor Kate – I get it… Being a member of the royal family means her feelings don’t really matter in a lot of circumstances… Who wants to get all done up, in a dress, and presumably at least one pair of Spanx, shortly after labour to stand in front of the media and be scrutinised on how she looks? Aye she chose the Royal life – doesn’t mean she doesn’t get to have human feelings.“
- Liz said: “I totally get where you’re coming from. Yes she’s in the royal family and she has help and more money than us BUT she’s still a Mum, she has to do it in the public eye and feel the pressure to look good and get back in shape quickly because she’ll no doubt get slated (not by true MOLOS of course) if she hasn’t bounced back and that must be really hard. But a wedding is a lovely thing so I’m sure they’ll enjoy it either way.“
- Jolene said: “Given unlike the majority of us mere mortals she will have a professional hair dresser, make-up artist and stylist plus an army of nannies and assistants I don’t think she will sweat it. She will either come out smelling of roses for rocking a chic maternity outfit and looking all glow-y and fabulous, or she will have her army of supporters hidden away so on camera she’s cradling her baby and looking fabulous being a normal mum who can then hand her newborn to an assistant off camera and ensure she has no boob leaks before taking her place in the wedding venue. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure it will be stressful but she isn’t going to be doing it alone and it will planned down to the minute who does what, where and how so all she will have to worry about is getting there and going home!“
- Natasha said: “She’ll be alright, I went to my cousins wedding with an 18 day old baby. I’d had an emergency c section and was establishing breastfeeding and I didn’t have an army of nannies and help like she no doubt will. She’ll nail it!“
- Kathryn said: “I actually feel more sorry for Meghan than anyone! The main focus about her will be her dress, and the main focus about everything else will be William, Catherine and the Queen. What George and Charlotte will be wearing. What celebrities will rock up. And will “The Leader Of The Free World” be invited as it’s one of his citizens marrying into the royals! The one day that should be about her, will be about everything else!“
- Sarah said: “Kate will probably be thinking thank fuck they will be reporting something else for the next few months other than my bump. Newspapers will be more interested in Meghan’s dress!“
That’s what our MOLOs think – but do you agree? Should we feel sorry for #PoorKate or not?
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Heather Davies-Mahoney is a radio producer, who can’t help producing in her spare time too. So far she has produced a marriage, a mortgage, a mini-me and a mountain of possety muslins. In her NCT group she was the instigator of Boobs & Boxsets afternoons. You can follow her on Twitter and find more on her blog
Image credit: Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash