The terrible twos, the threenager, and even the effin fours. All names to describe those not-so-pleasant times dealing with your growing toddler can bring parents.
The reality is that these years can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that this is a normal part of parenting. Some parents sail through with minimal disruption and changes to their child’s behaviour, while others experience complete personality changes in their toddlers. This is all part of the journey, and you’re not alone in wondering where your little angel went and when they got replaced by the monster running amok in your life right now.
It’s crucial to understand that the toddler years are inherently challenging, and the shifts in your child’s behaviour are part of their normal development. Embracing and adjusting to these changes is the key to navigating this phase.
But what can you do to endure these rough years and help your toddler through each transition and developmental milestone they are experiencing now?
Keep A Routine
It may not be the routine they had or you previously lived by, but adapting your routine to accommodate changes in your toddler and their lifestyle can help you find a new normal and enable you to work with them for minimal disruption.
By accepting and adapting to changes, you can see what is and isn’t working for your toddler. For example, if your toddler keeps waking up at night, rather than forcing them to stick to a previous schedule that worked when they were at a different point in their lives, you can adjust and find a new routine that works for both of you.
Once you find this, keep it. Stick with it. Reinforce the routine and give them security in their lives. Doing this will enable them to know what to expect and when which can be helpful should they suddenly become more defiant or confrontational.
Set The Example
Your toddler is like a sponge right now, and every parent of a toddler will attest to the fact that they can and will pick up on everything and repeat or model what they see and hear at the most inconvenient times.
As a parent, you significantly influence your toddler’s behaviour. By demonstrating the behaviour you want them to emulate, such as using polite language, you can help them form positive habits.
Keep It Simple
Don’t try to overcomplicate life for your toddler. They cannot process too many choices or changes, which can lead to them being overwhelmed and confused.
Stick to simple choices to help them make decisions better and remove the opportunity for them to deviate from where you want them to be.
Let’s say it’s snack time. Instead of asking them what they want and then being disappointed at you not getting or having it, give them a choice between two things instead. Apple or banana? Yoghurt or crackers? This might not always work, but keeping things simple helps them to understand how to make decisions and the impact of their choices.
Talk To Them
Communication is the cornerstone of parenting toddlers. Talking to them about their day, what you see, and what you’re doing can help them comprehend things more easily and feel more connected to the world around them.
Prevention not Reaction
If your toddler is showing defiance, which again is completely natural as they can’t yet control their emotions or think and react as an adult would, then you need to look for ways to prevent scenarios that allow them to engage in this way. This could be refusing to eat, throwing tantrums, or not wanting to go to bed.
What this means in the real world, for example, is talking to your child and letting them know you understand. If they don’t want to go to nursery one day, let them know you understand they don’t and it’s hard, but you can do things to make it easier, like take a toy or something else from home to help them transition into the day.
This can help you circumnavigate any “poor behaviour” and give your child resilience, too.
For older kids, you can ward off this by warning them that you will be making changes to prevent them from acting out. This can be setting an alarm to signal bedtime, creating a visual routine chart, or verbally telling them they can do something xx amounts of times before it’s time to stop so they know beforehand and are ready so it’s not such a big shock to them.
Set Boundaries and Explain
No one likes to be told they need to do something without explanation, and toddlers are no different. You need to do this by using age-appropriate words and language your child understands.
Instead of saying, “I know you want to play and not go to bed, but it’s bedtime,” which can trigger more frustrating reactions, try saying, “It is bedtime now. You need to sleep; it helps your body grow and be strong and healthy.” Explaining why they need to sleep can help them understand its function in their lives. This approach, along with giving them choices to reinforce boundaries, can help you feel more confident in your parenting skills.
Ignore Defiant Behaviours
While you want to intervene if your child is hurting themselves or anyone else or being physically destructive and damaging, you do want to ignore protests and protestations they might be making out to get their own way.
If you can distract them early on with another activity or engage them to stop the behaviour from emerging, do so. But if it’s past this or escalates quickly, try to ignore it as much as possible and carry on with what you are doing, providing they are safe, so they know this behaviour doesn’t get them what they want and won’t stop things from happening.
Stay Calm
Even if every fibre of your being is screaming on the inside, a calm front for your toddler will de-escalate any unwanted behaviours faster and help you deal with them with a clear head instead of acting negatively in the moment, even if it gets really hard to do so, especially in public. Show them you are calm and can remain in control when they’ve lost all of their sanity and taken yours with them. Be that clam in the storm even if its hard, and the dependable parent they need. Take deep breaths, count to ten, or step away for a moment if you feel overwhelmed.
Everything else can wait until they have calmed down, too.
Don’t Force Them
Parenting can be highly competitive. Everyone has been there, and no one likes to admit that their child isn’tat the same stage of development as others. But every child does develop at their own pace, and forcing your child to carry out actions or behaviours they are not developmentally ready for can increase stress and frustrations and reinforce undesirable behaviours, as you are essentially goading them towards it if you’re trying to make them do things they can’t or won’t want to.
Whether this is forcing them to engage in activities they’re not ready for, sharing their toys if they’re not at that stage yet, or anything else, don’t force them to do things they’re not able to because you think they should be or other people expect them to be able to do.
Avoid Mixed Messages: The Okay Pitfall
When your toddler wants to push your buttons and your limits, you need to be clear when giving them instructions. Mixed messages can blur the lines and undermine your authority.
Instead of “let’s go to bed, okay?” where you phrase it as almost a question, remove the okay and simply lead with “let’s go to bed.” This isn’t a question or a choice. This is what’s happening, and you are telling them clearly how things are going. The last thing you want to do is confuse the waters for them.
Pick Your Battles
Ask yourself if this is a hill I’m willing to die on and if it is that important. Sometimes, the answer is yes; other times, no. The trick to avoiding unnecessary drama over small things is to ask what really matters. If your child is adamant they don’t want to wear certain types of clothing. Is it going to matter in the long run? It’s not so much giving in if you avoid escalating the situation (unlike if a tantrum has started and you do give in). It’s about making calculated choices. So if they don’t wear a jumper for the nursery and it is cold outside but go in the car, they have a coat, and the nursery is heated. Is the no-jumper thing a battle worth fighting? Maybe not. But no coat on a cold day to play in the park; you need to enforce this, and it might be worth settling the limit and dealing with the resulting behaviour.
Remember The Good Times and Have Fun
Not everything about raising a toddler is bad or needs to be complicated. There is plenty of fun to be had, and creating those good things, strengthening your bond, and developing your relationship can go a long way toward supporting you both should the hard times rear their head.
Read together, have them help you in the kitchen, play games, role-play, and enjoy each other. Because toddlers, while they can be hard work and extremely frustrating, can be a source of fun, joy and happiness.