‘Peekaboo- there she is!’
Yes, here I am. Finally.
I feel like, in becoming a mum, I’ve somehow unearthed everything I wanted to be about 15 years ago.
And I’m not actually referring to that whole parenting bit, although I do love that. I mean that motherhood has been a springboard for me. A change in fundamental traits that I thought I’d be stuck with forever!
Having been a worrier, the new-found shift in priorities has changed all of that. Don’t get me wrong, having a baby, a toddler, a child, a teen, suddenly means there is a whole new world of anxiety at each step but it’s worry that’s WORTH it.
I’ve found that all the catastrophising and what iffing of other things has become insignificant. Motherhood has taught me balance and where to place my efforts when it comes to over-thinking and worrying so I just don’t seem to sweat the small stuff anymore.
But the big thing for me, huge in fact, and probably linked to the aforementioned anxieties is a new surge in confidence! But why…?
Maybe it’s that if conversation fails I ALWAYS have something to talk about. Not that I was boring before but now I’m the subject matter expert on something. Not Motherhood that’s for sure, but certainly on my kid. And with expertise comes a safety net which is perceived as confidence.
Maybe it’s that with having a child you have to meet with so many people (the midwives, the health visitors, the registrars, the playgroups) and arrange so much admin (there’s no more avoidance anymore, I seem to forever be on the phone to someone sorting out the wee ones life like his own PA)….not to mention that for 50% of these people they got up and personal in my nethers!!!
Maybe and most likely it’s because I spend so much of my time now being a complete and utter moron to get my son to laugh or snap him out of a tantrum that there’s nowhere left to go. We sing out loud in town. We run up and down the aisles in trolleys shouting ‘WEEEEEEEEE’. We have conversations in the GP waiting room about everything from willies to wheelchairs! Because of all this there’s no holds barred now. I’ll still moderate for certain audiences of course but trippin’ over my words or forgetting what I was saying half way through a sentence is nothing to panic about anymore, I’ll just wing my way through it!
One of the biggest confidence boost though is all the new friendships that the mumming journey has brought me. And these go hand in hand. With more friendships you build confidence, with more confidence you are opening yourself to new friendships and so it grows.
You’re ‘supposed’ to go through life having no regrets. But I so wish I’d been half the person I am now, long ago. There have been opportunities missed because I didn’t believe I was good enough to even bother putting myself forward for them. There has been needless worrying and tears about things that turned out not to matter. There are entire friendships I conducted over text because phone calls made me sweat! Sadly, one friend in particular that I will never be able to call now but would gladly, every day.
But I can’t change what’s been and I guess everything led me to this point and now, I’m not far off being the person I always wanted to be. And if I could bottle this shit and sell it, I’d make a fortune!