In case you haven’t noticed, it’s hot. Hot, hot, really f*cking hot. And, for many of us, our bodies are no longer the slimline version they were at 22, but rather now we find rolls of fat in rolls of fat, leaving us daydreaming of nothing more than the utter pleasure of slipping into a freezing cold bath at the end of the day.
Forget the thigh gap, the vast majority of us we are facing the thigh chafe as soon as the sun peeks out for it’s annual week long visit, so Kate Dyson has a few pro-tips to help us all during this VERY HOT HEATWAVE.
1. Talk About How Hot It Is. Constantly.
I feared this moment in my life, but it has cometh: I have become that person that is mocked by Peter Kay. For some reason, I can’t stop myself; whenever I see a friend, a cashier, go to the bank, or even nod at someone vaguely familiar in the street I find myself blurting out “Isn’t IT HOT?” in a rapid breath, while tugging at my neckline just in case they hadn’t realised just how sweaty I am. If I’m not starting the ‘heatwave’ conversation, I find myself finishing it dramatically with something like, “I love it hot, don’t get me wrong! But this, oh god, this, this is HOT“, whilst acting a little buckle-kneed and wiping my brow, and inadverently nearly splattering my sweat all over my companion.
2. Face Up To The Chub Rub
How I used to be so grossed out at the thought of this when I was eighteen! Oh how the God of Chub Rub rubbed his fat little hands together and thought ‘Mwahahaha! JUST YOU WAIT, MY GIRL’. Fecking Karma. I am now the blessed owner of 2.5 pairs of thighs, and thigh fat and skirts do NOT mix. So how do we deal with the dreaded rub? Well, you can use deodorant, and spray intermittently in the ‘area’ to keep back the sweat. (Apparently Batiste dry shampoo does the same job, they should add that to their cans). Of course there is also talcum powder, but you run the risk of a Ross in Friend’s ‘paste’ with that, so I urge caution.
Thank the Lord, as the average waist line has expanded in the UK, so has the range of products for this er.. issue. BodyGlide for Her is simply marvellous, and Conotrane Cream (plus Bepanthen etc, if you already have that in) is soothing with antiseptic properties. Alternatively, you might want to try yourself a little‘comfort short’ – like cycling shorts, but even SEXIER. (That’s a mum-joke for you.) There are also some rather brilliant lacy thigh ‘bands’ that actually don’t look far off sexy if you can just ignore their intended purpose – Bandelettes. You just know a woman has invented those beauties, right? Finally, if the rash has already started, whack on the Lanacane which will sort it out in a jiffy. For the love though, ventilate. I love nothing more than a bit of legs akimbo time on the sofa to give it all a bit of a cool down. Not that sort, you sort.
3. Grab a Hanky Hat
Remember those postcards of old men sitting on the beach with a hanky on their heads? Oh my god, they had it BOB ON. Bob and his friends knew the real secret though – wet it first. So grab a hanky, or a muslin from the baby, even a napkin will do, and give it a good soak under the cold tap. Wring it out, knot up those corners and sit in bliss. On your own, preferably, because there’s no getting away from the fact that you will look like a bit of a twat at the same time.
4. Ice Pack Your Boobs
Fling that bra off girls, and grab the ice pack. Lift boob, place ice pack underneath, flap boob back down and sit, topless, with your hanky hat on, in utter bliss. For those with bee-sting boobies like myself, you can try this with a couple of Mr Freezes. Pro-tip: Feel free to indulge in a little refreshment break half way through – the raspberry ones are delicious.
5. Pram Fan for your Fanjo
You know those cute little clip on fans that you can get for your baby that attach to the pram hood and neatly blow cool air into their faces while they sleep? Yeah. NEVER MIND THE BABY. Grab that fan, clip onto your skirt hem and feel the breeeeeeze loves. Oh the breeze! Will also disperse the odd sneaky fart if you are preggers (or not?). Don’t pretend, we ALL know the truth.
6. Sleep With A Damp Towel
Obviously this is unlikely to gain you any fans in the bedroom department, but it flipping works and right now, we are desperate. It works best with Hammam towels, which, if you are like me and a sucker for a trend you’ll have bought shedloads from TK Maxx before realising that a. You don’t live in a Turkish spa and b. They do sod all in terms of drying a body. But what they DO DO is make a lovely damp comforter so whazz it under the cold tap, and then wring it out to within an inch of it’s life. Lie in bed on your back and cover your torso with the damp hammam. Coolness, personified.
7. Slink Into Some Cotton PJs
If sleeping with a damp towel isn’t your thing (madness!) then go the opposite way and jump into your PJs. Your body will be screaming at you that you have lost your tiny mind, but as long as you pick a cotton pair, they act as a wick drawing the sweat from your body and regulating your temperature. I know. Thank me later.
8. Freeze Your Silk Underwear (and Pillowcase, for Princesses)
If you need to wear underwear (I can’t be the only one debating whether it’s necessary in this weather), then plan in advance, get your best silk undies out and stick them in the freezer. I’ll repeat: Stick. Them. In. The. Freezer. I’ve actually no idea why they have to be silk, so let’s just go with it (it’s too hot to argue), but the same goes for silk bedlinen as well. I imagine Kate Middleton sleeps on frozen silk pillowcases all summer long. I wonder if her perfectly coiffed demeanour on tour in Australia and India was down to frozen undies. Princess top-tip, I suspect, right there.
9. Blame The Heat For Everything
And I mean, for everything. Losing things – especially losing your temper. A cock up at work? Heat. Forgot to pick up the kids? Heat. Got too drunk? Yeah, that’s the heat. I bet my chubby-rub no one will argue the toss. It’s just too bloody hot.
10. Make Your Bed On The Floor
Just get as low as possible. Hot air rises, so the lower you go, the cooler you’ll be, especially if you have wooden floors. You might eat a spider in the night, but it’ll be worth it for a full night’s cool sleep.
11. Grab The Roasting Pan
… And fill it with cold water. Stick in front of a fan or two. As the air circulates, it will pick up the cool water and refresh the air in the room. Joyful! If you can arrange yourself appropriately, you could also use the water for a relaxing and cool foot bath. Genius.
12. Alcoholic Ice Popsicles
The day I discovered these, it was like a rebirth. G&T, Pimms, Mojito, Prosecco flavours; the possibilities are endless, and it’s like all your summers have come at once! From the fancy Champagne ones at We Are Pops (who, I just want to add, also do Popsicle hire for your event) to our beloved Aldi, these are fast becoming a British summertime staple. MOLO-tip: Whenever Aldi have them they sell FAST, so don’t waste time on one box. Buy at least three. You won’t regret it.
13. BONUS ROUND: Something For The Boys
Ladies, believe it or not, we aren’t the only ones suffering in this heat. Our poor old menfolk have issues of their own; specifically, sweaty balls. Aside from sticking a bag of peas down the front of their shorts like my husband has been known to do, you could recommend to your loved one that they look for ‘Below the Belt’, Fresh and Dry Balls. Exactly as it says on the tin. So I hear.
Let us know your tips for keeping cool this summer, should you not have melted before commenting. We’d love to hear your ideas!
About Kate Dyson
Founder of The Motherload®. Wife, mum to two girls, two cats and shit loads of washing in baskets that sit around the house waiting to be ironed. It never happens.
Hater of exercise, denier of weight gain, lover of wine. Feminist.
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Image Credit: Rita Maskery