We asked The Motherload MOLOs for their stories of first-time motherhood, and as expected,
they didn’t disappoint, shares Team MOLO.
Let’s be honest, most of us completely lost our minds with our firstborns. Those early days are a heady mix of love, terror, hormones and sleep deprivation, and it’s a wonder any of us made it out the other side without losing the plot entirely (or starting a spreadsheet about poo – oh wait, we did that too).
We asked The Motherload community to share the most ridiculous, over-the-top, completely bananas things they did with baby number one – and you did not disappoint. From baked bean baths to chip oil massages, here’s a collection of our collective madness, served with a massive side of “what were we thinking?”. Thank goodness we feel a little more reassured with the next ones, eh?
Here’s 28 of the best replies to the question: “Tell me the most daft, ridiculous, OTT, batshit thing you did with your precious first born“…
1. “Genuinely thought they needed feeding 3 times a day, like breakfast lunch & dinner. Maybe a snack in between. Poor kid had pretty bad jaundice.”
2. “Our first baby had very dry skin, we were told by the midwife that olive oil works well. So we followed the routine of oiling the baby. After a few days, I realised the baby smelt weird. It turned out the olive oil bottle had old chip oil in it. We’d been lathering our baby in old chip oil.”
3. “I wouldn’t use my phone near him incase it gave out radioactive vibes.”
4. “My 2nd born had pretty bad cradle cap. I used coconut oil to try and get rid of it. I gently massaged the oil to lift the dry skin after leaving it to sit for 20 minutes and then washed it off… Along with all of her hair 😭 she was then bald for months.”
5. “My sister thought her baby couldn’t go outside or be around other people until he’d had his vaccinations, like a puppy.”
6. “When we were weaning the eldest, I decided I would put everything through a sieve to get rid of the lumps before (and after because I was afraid she’d choke) she could deal with them. Turns out that you can’t push mince through a sieve with a teaspoon…”
7. “I used to iron muslins and terry towelling nappies. Whyyyyyyy?!”
8. “I made everything from scratch, it was all organic & she had no sugar until she was two. I was a single mum on benefits feeding this kid organic salmon! I’m on my 3rd now & basically he just eats crisps.”
9. “With my first i baby was in car seat in a Sainsbury trolly which I parked up outside the cafe with other trollies then went ordered a food sat down started to eat and suddenly remembered the baby was still in the trolly!!! Felt so bad people must of thought was an awful mum. I blame the baby brain!”
10. “Left her in the bank when she was 6 weeks old. Went into Lloyds to pay some bill, popped across the road to HSBC, and while I was waiting I thought ‘I’m sure I had something with me……’. And then ‘OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT I LEFT THE BABY IN THE BANK!!’”
11. “I made everyone hold him on a pillow…”
12. “Slept on the lounge floor with him for the first few nights. God knows why.”
13. “Never turned on my heated seat in my car so I could tell if she’d be cold or not.”
14. “HOSTED a New Year’s Eve party when he was a month old… why???”
15. “No shoes would fit him because of his high arches and fat feet so I went on a course to learn shoe making and made him a pair of shoes. They went on beautifully, then fell off five minutes later. Then the soles came off.”
16. “Took her to swimming lessons at 6 weeks old. She’s 7 now and I’m still paying for swimming lessons.”
17. “I bought a wet wipe warmer, so his precious bottom wouldn’t get cold.”
18. “Called an ambulance because he was crying.”
19. “Keeping an endless log of every bowel movement!!! For why??”
20. “Sucking snot out of my sons nose so he could breath – it’s absolutely disgusting thinking about it now.”
21. “We had ‘bendy buses’ at the time which was probably was the easiest way to travel and big enough to get a buggy on. I emailed the company who manufactured them and the bus company asking for their safety testing information on potential tipping over etc . I am no way an engineer skilled person. Never took it walked or drove instead. I couldn’t shift my suspicion.”
22. “I put him in a bath of baked beans because I believed he would enjoy the sensation of it. He did not. I must’ve read it somewhere or something but literally no one I’ve ever told has heard of it.”
23. “I didn’t wear perfume in case he couldn’t recognise me with it on.”
24. “I wouldn’t shower just me and him in the house alone as I kept thinking what if I slip and die in the shower and he’s left there alone until someone else is home. (I got over this for the next baby)”
25. “Baby was sick so I set an alarm to wake up every 90 minutes to check he was still breathing, monitor temperature etc. He woke up every 2 hours anyway to feed. And I still woke up panicked between alarms/wakes because I thought somehow he’d just due the moment I fell asleep.”
26. “Called 111 because he had an eyelash in his eye.”
27. “Recorded all his poos and pees into an app until he was a few months old! Don’t think I’ll be doing that again.”
28. “Weighed nappies and logged feeds like I was expecting a CQC inspection.”
So, whether you too were logging poo like an NHS auditor, bathing your baby in beans, or setting alarms every 90 minutes just to check they were breathing – we promise, you aren’t alone. At some time or another, all of us have those wild, anxious, slightly unhinged moments as a mum (new or otherwise!), and the main thing is that we did it out of love. Yes, even the bean bath.
