Antenatal Depression: Five Years On

I stood in the bathroom looking at the positive pregnancy test, and my heart sank. Not again, I can’t go through it again…

Antenatal Depression is the unwanted present I got with the last two pregnancies, please don’t let it happen again.

Could I carry on the pregnancy? My two children needed their mum to be happy.

I placed my hand on my tummy, feeling torn.

Maybe it will be different this time? Maybe…

After a lot of soul searching I decided to continue the pregnancy, hoping that this time Antenatal Depression wouldn’t visit.

Sadly, it did and with more determined, crippling, internal agony than ever before.

I was sobbing, feeling trapped, alone, exhausted. Not again.

Why couldn’t I be one of these who enjoyed pregnancy? Who blossomed and smiled at the kicks.

I was broken.

My two older children at just 4 and 2, didn’t understand, how could they?

I would cry and they would comfort me.

I was in a living hell. I couldn’t bare being alive, I just wanted to pain in my mind to end.

I was useless, I was a crap mum, I couldn’t cope.

I would cry myself to sleep thinking, “Why me?”

As the pregnancy progressed, things got worse. I was so angry all the time.

No one understand the turmoil, the thunderstorm taking over every part of my being.

Then suddenly, I saw a glimmer of light in the darkness, my midwife.

I saw her at 28 weeks, a routine appointment.

The mask with a smile was firmly on my face, laughing off how tough things were.

But she saw straight through it. She saved my life.

She convinced me that it was okay to be honest about how I was feeling.

I saw my GP that same morning. She prescribed me Anti-Depressants.

Without which, I can say with deep sadness, I don’t think I would be here.

They gave me the boost I needed, the reminder that I had been through this before and survived.

The sun starting shining a bit more and the last few months of my pregnancy weren’t quite so hard.

My baby arrived and I loved him with every part of me.

We survived, because we got help.

Please speak to someone if you are pregnant and finding it difficult. You are not alone.

You can find sources of support on the Mind website. For the very latest from our writers, visit The Motherload homepage

About Rosey

Rosey is a mum of three little ones. Lover of chocolate, trainee counsellor and founder of PNDandMe. You can join the weekly #PNDhour on Twitter and find out more on her website

Image credit: Photo by Nicolas Picard on Unsplash

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