Bless me Mumzillas, for I have sinned.
It’s been 11 hours and 52 minutes since my last confession, yet my acts as a mother seem to be so heinous that I need to atone once again for committing sins that no perfect mum would ever even consider. Here are the sins I have committed against the rules of being a perfect mother.
Feeding my baby something not cooked with my own fair hands
I’ve been given some snooty looks for feeding Isla a pouch of food when we’ve been out and about instead of giving her an organic, freshly cooked, three course meal I’ve spent hours slaving over to make. Clearly a pouch of organic Ella’s Kitchen food is like feeding my baby sewage and choosing something convenient is a vile sin. Forgive me.
Letting her watch TV
Oh dear. I’m the worst mother in the world aren’t I? As letting children watch television is the benchmark of lazy parenting. I prostate myself at your mercy, oh Mumzillas, and plead for forgiveness. Isla only pays the slightest bit of attention to Fireman Sam and Tom & Jerry because she recognises the theme tunes. She will watch them for about 4-5 minutes after she’s eaten a meal before she gets bored and moves on to playing with her toys, and at her age (she’s only 12 months old!) she hasn’t got a blind clue what’s actually happening, she just likes the bright colours, movement and music. No? Still not allowed? I’m sorry. Forgive me.
Taking my child out without shoes on
I know this sounds bad oh Holy Mumzillas, but again I plead for clemency. On this occasion it was 24 degrees in the middle of summer and she had already stealthily removed one of her little white sandals during the day and dropped it, prompting a Facebook appeal to find it again. It was a nice warm day, so I stupidly assumed that letting her go barefoot while we popped for a walk to the supermarket would be alright, but I now realise thanks to one of your senior goddesses who asked where her shoes were, that allowing this was utterly wrong.
Dressing my child in “denim”
Now this particular misdemeanour was very firmly scolded by one of the highest level of Mumzillas. Denim is for adults, and dressing children up like adults is wrong. Despite the fact that the outfit in question was an adorable pinafore made from very soft denim lookalike material and not a pair of Levi 501s, I realise that this was incredibly naughty of me. I need to be flogged in the street.
Letting my child play by herself for 5 minutes
Every now and then, I NEED a cup of tea when I am simply worn out so I will sit Isla down in her ball pit and give her some toys to play with, while I sit two feet away on the sofa and try to drink a hot brew. *gasp* I know I need to be giving her my full attention 24 hours a day, and that one cup of tea while I sit down for a few minutes is time wasted. I have failed my daughter.
Dressing my child in not enough layers/too many layers
I realise that you know my child better than I do, so obviously, you know if she is too hot or too cold. I know I shouldn’t feel annoyed when you ask me if she is warm enough when we go out, but I stupidly feel that I know if she is comfortable. I know now that is not the case.
Taking my baby swimming
To the two women in the swimming pool changing room: I’m most terribly sorry if Isla’s presence ruined your swim, and your comments of “well enjoy your swim, if you can” “hmm yes, I’ll try” to each other while giving us the bitch eye were the perfect way to make it clear we had no right to be there. Despite the fact that Isla made no loud noise, didn’t splash you and made no impact on your plodding up and down the pool, I’m aware we ruined your morning with our enjoyment so please accept my apologies.
I could go on and on, but obviously my parenting fails will take forever to dissect and I know no matter what I do, I’ll never be able to please all of the Mumzillas out there. So for now, I will simply ask for forgiveness for these select few sins. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me and understand that I am not as perfect as thou art.
About Rachel Armitage
I’m a writer turned stay at home mum, raising our little redheaded beauty out in the sticks and documenting journey along the way, the good, the bad and the very very ugly!