How to Cope When Your Child Moves Away From Home

You have to cope with a lot as a parent. First, there are the temper tantrums and the midnight feedings. Then it seems like almost no time has gone by before you have to send your child off to their first day of school. Before long you’ll be batting with dating, tattoos and nose studs and looking out for them while they explore the murky world of drinking and parties. They grow up so fast, don’t they?

But despite all the trials and tribulations of parenting, when they finally decide to move away from home, it can be a heart-wrenching experience. Whether they are going away to university, for a new job, or to move in with a partner, they will be leaving the household they’ve grown up in from birth to make their own way in the world. You’ll likely experience a complicated mix of emotions, encapsulating sadness, pride, joy and nostalgia. 

The feelings of sadness accompanying a child’s move away from home are often referred to as empty nest syndrome. As a parent, you have dedicated several years to bringing up your children, and it can feel like this important role has been suddenly snatched away from you. Adapting to living without your kids takes time, and it’s normal to find it difficult at first. It affects different parents in various ways, although mothers are generally more susceptible. Not only will you have to find ways to fill the void vacated by your children, but you and your partner will likely have to rediscover yourselves and navigate a relationship that is completely changed now your children are no longer living amongst you. You will also have to establish a new kind of relationship with your adult children, based on long-distance communication. To make things worse, you may struggle from a lack of consideration or understanding from friends and family who can’t relate to what you’re going through.

If you are preparing for your child moving away from home, don’t panic. Your relationship with your son or daughter is not over; it is just changing. Although it may be hard to see how you will cope, there are several strategies to help you get through it.

Focus on the positives

It is, of course, sad that your little one is leaving home and moving away, but you need to be mindful that it is an exciting time for them. You don’t want to dampen their positivity through negative thoughts. They will be excited to embrace their newfound freedom and independence, and enjoy adult life without living under the scrutiny of their parents. They will undoubtedly feel sad and scared too, so let them know you are always there for them and they can call you up or visit you any time they like. Think back to when you moved away from home and put yourself in their shoes. Would you want your parents to be happy and supportive of your move, or negative and teary? 

Identify your new role

Perhaps you’ve spent the last twenty or so years identifying yourself as a mother or a father. If so, it may be hard to adjust to your new, reduced parenting role. Although you still carry the all-important label of parent, it is no longer at the forefront of your life. In the meantime, you should identify new roles that you would like to determine who you are. Perhaps as a loving partner, a valued member of your community, a good neighbour, or to be defined by the job that you do. This way, you will be able to focus your energy on new things and move your life in a different, positive direction.

Reconnect with your partner

One of the many benefits of an empty nest is that you and your partner can spend some quality time together, something you may not have been able to do properly since your child was born. Use this as an opportunity to rekindle the former romance of your relationship and make time for each other. You can go on holiday without having to worry about childcare, plan date nights any day of the week, and cook whatever meals you like without having to cater to a picky eater. You will have a lot more free time on your hands now that you no longer have to pick up your kids from parties and sporting events or attend parents evenings and school plays. Use this extra time on activities you can enjoy together as a couple.

Make time for yourself

When you became a parent, did you have to give up on your hobbies or passion projects? Being a parent is demanding on your time and energy, so you no doubt have had to make some sacrifices. But now that your children are out of the house, why not reconnect with your old self? Perhaps pick up a hobby that you once pushed aside to make way for your kids. Whether it’s painting, music, cooking or just making your way through a pile of unread classics of literature, you now have the time to make your dreams a reality.

Embrace new challenges

It’s not just your child who has entered a new stage in their life. You have too. You have successfully raised a wonderful, well-adjusted child, and you now have freedom and independence as a reward. You can do anything you like, so why not make it something momentous? This is a time in life where you can afford to do something slightly different and radical without having to worry about how it will affect your ability to look after your family. Why not sign up to a road race or do some volunteer work for charity? Or perhaps you could join an amateur dramatics society or redesign your entire house yourself. Finding a new challenge to focus your efforts on will help to fill the sense of loss generated by your absent child and give you a new outlet to direct the energy once spent on parenting. Be warned that the high emotions caused by a child moving out can often cloud your judgement. Try not to make any life-altering decisions in the first few months, or you may end up doing something you regret.

Give them space

Both you and your child should be able to move on with your lives. For this reason, you don’t want to be seen as an overbearing parent, as this will prevent everyone from making the most of the situation. It may be tempting to call them every night and continuously monitor their social media accounts, but this will only make it harder to let go. You need to accept that they have moved on. Even though you are still important to your child, you are no longer a major part of their daily life. They need to be able to enjoy their adulthood, and you too should try to appreciate this new chapter of parenthood. Your son or daughter will no doubt make mistakes and need your help from time to time, so make sure you are there for them without casting a shadow on their lives.

Make a plan to communicate

If you are unused to life without your children, it is understandable that you will want to keep in touch. You can still do this while maintaining clear boundaries. The best solution is to make a plan for how you will stay in touch with your child, even if they are miles away or in a different country. Perhaps schedule a weekly call as a family so you can check in and keep updated on each other’s lives. This may seem too infrequent for you at first, but your child needs to move on with their life, and you don’t want communication to become a chore for them. You can always call or message outside of these scheduled times if it is really important. Regular contact will help to maintain a sense of family togetherness, and it will soon become a normal part of your lives that you look forward to.

Find support

If, after a few months, you are still unable to move on from your child’s absence, you may benefit from seeking professional help. A deep sense of sadness or longing may signify depression, and it is best to find treatment to help you get back on track and enjoy life again. Therapy can help you address feelings of loss while providing a listening ear for support. Bear in mind your partner may also be going through similar emotions, so it is crucial that you discuss how you are feeling and take steps to move through the pain together. Keeping a journal to document your thoughts and emotions is another effective way to process painful emotions.

Dealing with a child moving away from home isn’t easy for anyone, but with the right strategies and coping techniques, you will be able to get through it. By following these tips, you can ensure that your child can enjoy their new adult life and that you and your partner can make the most of the time you will have together. 

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