How to recognise domestic abuse – and what to do if you are in an abusive relationship

Recognising you are in an abusive relationship can be hard – but here’s how to seek the help you need and deserve to escape. Written in collaboration with the team at Reach Out Domestic Abuse Service

Despite what we’re told, sometimes we aren’t always sure that the behaviour we are experiencing in our relationship is normal, or abusive. Because abuse isn’t always physical, it can creep into a relationship and slowly, and make you doubt reality. It can make you accept behaviour that you previously would have rejected, and make excuses for things that happen to mitigate the severity of what’s happening. You may question yourself, doubt your memory and wonder if you are over reacting about ‘normal’ behaviour. This is something many, many victims of abusive experience, and it’s part and parcel of the control and power that is often the undercurrent of domestic abuse.

We know from posts on our community, The Motherload, that questioning whether what you are experiencing can be confusing – and daunting, especially if you have children with your partner (and perpetrator) too. Finding courage to leave is something easily said and harder to do – so we’ve collaborated with Reach Out to bring you information that will help you identify abuse, and know how to seek help.

One of the most important steps in healing and seeking support is recognising abuse for what it is. Many women don’t realise that what they’re experiencing is domestic abuse because it doesn’t always involve physical violence. Abuse comes in many forms – emotional, mental, financial, sexual and digital are very common but under-discussed.

This guide is here to help you understand the different forms abuse can take, and to reassure you: you are not alone, and you deserve safety and respect.

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is a pattern of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading, or violent behaviour used by one person to exert power over another in an intimate or family relationship. It can happen to anyone; however, domestic abuse is a gendered issue, and women are disproportionately affected.

Domestic abuse is rooted in inequality and often reflects broader societal patterns of male dominance and control. While men can be victims, the vast majority of cases involve male perpetrators and female victims. Abuse can occur in any type of relationship — including heterosexual, same-sex, and family relationships — but women are statistically more likely to experience repeated and severe forms of abuse.

The 6 types of domestic abuse

Emotional or Psychological Abuse

Emotional or psychological abuse can range from constant put-downs that make you feel bad about yourself, to threatening behaviour that leave you feeling genuinely scared for your safety.

It includes:

• Constant criticism, belittling, undermining, shouting or name-calling 
• Gaslighting (making you doubt your reality or memory)
• Isolation from friends, family, or support
• Threats to harm you, your children, or themselves
• Makes you feel trapped and unable to leave the relationship 

Coercive Control

Coercive control is a criminal offence in the UK. It is a pattern of behaviour that strips away your freedom and sense of self, and can remove your support network to isolate you and control your day to day life. It’s often subtle and builds over time, making it hard to recognise.

It includes:

• Monitoring your movements, phone, or social media
• Controlling your daily activities — what you wear, eat, or who you see
• Repeatedly putting you down or making you feel worthless
• Making you feel afraid to disagree or express yourself
• Isolating you from friends, family, or support networks
• Using children, immigration status, or finances to control you
• Creating a climate of fear, unpredictability, and dependency

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is what we often think of when we think about someone experience domestic abuse. However, physical abuse isn’t just confined to an abuser hurting your body – it can also be ruining your belongings and things that are important to you, or physically preventing you from seeking help and support for your health, or your mental wellbeing.

This includes:

• Hitting, slapping, kicking, pushing, punching, spitting, strangulation and suffocation 
• Destroying your belongings
• Preventing you from getting medical help

Sexual Abuse

We maybe think of sexual abuse happening to people who are weak or vulnerable, and rarely that it could be our partner who abuses us sexually. Studies show that partner sexual abuse is much more common than we think, with 1 in 5 women experiencing it in their lifetime.

This includes:

• Pressuring or forcing you into sexual activity 
• Forcing you to watch porn
• Threats to share private images
• Using sex as a form of control or punishment
• Ignoring your boundaries or consent
• Restricting access to birth control, condoms or termination 
• Contact abuse – forcing you to engage in oral sex, kissing, or touching that you do not consent to
• Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity
• Rape and attempted rape

Financial and Economic Abuse

Women are more vulnerable to financial and economic abuse after having children – especially in the early years, when your children are heavily dependent on you for care. However, it can happen at any time, and can also occur outside of vulnerable times or when we are less likely to be earning.

This includes:

• Taking your money or controlling how it’s spent
• Preventing you from working or accessing education
• Building debt in your name without your consent, or forcing you to take out credit cards or loans.
• Making you prove what you have spent money on
• Pressurising you to change your will or other financial or legacy documents.
• Preventing access to money when you need it

Economic abuse includes:

• stopping you from going to work, college or university,
• causing you to lose out on benefits by not letting you go to appointments at the Jobcentre or apply for jobs, and 
• controlling your access to essential things, such as food, clothing or transport.

Digital (technological) Abuse

Technology can be used as a tool of abuse and can range from constantly checking your phone or location, to sending images that are private or sexual in nature. There are many different ways that someone may use technology to abuse you.

This includes:

• Constantly checking your phone, messages, or location
• Demanding access to your passwords or social media accounts
• Using GPS tracking or spyware to monitor you
• Sending threatening or degrading messages
• Sharing or threatening to share private images or videos
• Impersonating you online or using fake accounts to harass you

Common Myths

Recognising that you are in an abusive relationship or situation can be confronting and challenging. Abuse is rarely fixed to one ‘type’ – and it can be insidious and creep in over time. This means that we can find ourselves excusing abusive behaviours, or being in denial about what is happening to us.

We can minimise what we’re experiencing because it can feel dramatic, or too ‘big’ to label the behaviour we’re recognising from someone we love as unacceptable. Often we might find ourselves saying things like:

“It’s not abuse if they haven’t hit me.”  
Abuse can be emotional, financial, or psychological – and just as damaging.

“They only act this way when they’re stressed.”  
Abuse is a choice, not a reaction.

“It’s my fault – I provoke them.”  
No one deserves to be abused. Ever.

What to do if you think you’re experiencing abuse

If you’ve recognised signs of abuse in your relationship – that’s the important first step. Now, here are some simple next steps:

1. Trust your instincts: If something feels wrong, it probably is. Your gut instinct is a powerful tool.
2. Talk to someone you trust: Speaking to a friend, family member, or someone else you trust like the admin team on The Motherload can help to not only support you now, but also to help you through the next steps.
3. Keep a record: If it’s safe to do so, document incidents (dates, times, what happened).
4. Avoid confronting your abuser: This can increase the risk of harm or escalation of abuse. It might also act as a ‘heads up’ that you are planning to leave and can escalate the abuse.
5. Make a safety plan: Think about where you could go in an emergency, put together things like your driving licence, passport etc – but only if it is is safe to do so.
6. Reach out to a support organisation: They can help you understand your options and stay safe.

Important: If you or your children are in immediate danger, call 999