And BREATHE… It’s the summer holidays. Oh God, it’s the summer holidays. That can only mean one thing: having to take the kids on an actual holiday. Mum of two Louise has fond recollections of her last trip abroad…
I Know What You Said Last Summer
Sit still on the plane.
Sit still in the taxi.
Sit still on the bus.
Sit still while we check-in.
Sit still while we eat in the restaurant.
Stand still while I put your lotion on.
Stand still while I try to take a photo and try to look happy!
Don’t eat sand.
Don’t bury your sister in sand.
Don’t pee in the pool water.
Don’t drink the pool water.
Don’t feed your sister ice cream.
Don’t feed your sister sun lotion.
Don’t forget to make a feed.
Don’t forget to clean the bottles.
Did you remember to sterilise them?
Have we remembered the kettle?
Don’t forget to bring the feeding spoons, drinks bottle, bowl, bibs, wipes, cloths, nappies, spare vest, sun hat, swimming ring, armbands, goggles, watering can, variety of water based toys, poncho, kids beach towels, our towels, swimming cosies, swimming nappies, the non slip pool shoe things, the room key cards, sunglasses, water bottle, snacks, parasol.
Where are my sunglasses?
Where is my camera?
Where is the phone charger, did we bring the adapter?
Why did I bother bringing a book?
Why did I bother with an mp3 player?
Why did I bother painting my nails?
Don’t cry when you see the mascot that scares you.
Don’t cry when you leave the mascot you now love.
Don’t cry because your ice cream is too cold.
Don’t cry because your ice cream got too hot.
Don’t scream because it’s not time for the Mini Disco yet.
Don’t scream because your favourite dress, that you refuse to take off, is now dirty.
Don’t scream because you’re over-tired.
Don’t scream because you don’t want to go to bed.
Don’t hate me because Disney Junior is in Spanish.
Don’t hate me because the Wi-fi is shit and you can’t watch YouTube.
Don’t hate me because you won’t take an afternoon nap.
Don’t run around the side of the pool.
Don’t steal that child’s ball.
Don’t squirt that child’s mum.
Don’t squirt your sister.
Baby please don’t throw this out of the high chair again.
Baby please don’t’ squeal while in the high chair again.
Baby please don’t make than man on the next table roll his eyes at us again.
Baby don’t cry because the water’s too cold,
Baby don’t cry because the sun’s too hot.
No you can’t poke your fingers in all the food along the buffet.
No you can’t have another ice cream or take a handful of sprinkles.
No you can’t change seats on the plane.
No you can’t get up and go the toilet until the seat-belt sign is off.
Baby please don’t squirm when you’re belted in my lap.
Don’t shriek down the plane because you’re bored.
Don’t throw your dummy on the floor of the plane because I’ll never be able to reach it.
Don’t moan because you want to go home.
Don’t moan because we’re now back home.
Let’s not ever do that again!
Let’s book for next year and do it all again!
About Louise Rogers
Sometimes Vogue, Sometimes Vague: 34 year old mum to two girls. Lover of country music and sci-fi. Former professional bridal model (still dabbling with a bit of catwalk here and there!).