I am not ready.
As I sit here in the dark, knowing it is time, I am not ready.
Tomorrow we will say goodbye. The first of many goodbyes to come. And I am not ready.
Three years ago, almost to the day, I sat in the same chair with your big brother, preparing to say the same goodbye. And I was ready. God, was I ever ready. But this time. This time I am not ready.
I have never been one of those women people would point to as a ‘natural mother’ (do people actually do that anyway?). And after your brother, everyone thought we were done. I thought we were done. I thought I couldn’t do it again. The loneliness (is anyone else up at this time of the night?), the competition (‘my baby has just read his first Shakespeare play – how about yours?’ Um, he’s just shit his pants), the fear (God, I can barely keep a plant alive – how am I going to be able to keep a baby alive?!). Looking back, I regret how little I enjoyed the precious time I had with him.
And then we decided to have you. You, who will definitely be my last. Before you arrive, I worried. That the darkness would return, that I wouldn’t cope, that I’d fail you both.
Then you arrived. And whilst I still worried, I rejoiced at how much your brother loves you, how much fun the three of us have together whist Daddy goes to work, how much I cherish the quiet times with you that I so feared with your brother.
Tomorrow brings the end of my maternity leave. And I am sad. I am happy that your big brother is so excited to be sharing nursery with you, at the plans he shares with you of playing in the garden there, and I am happy at the thought of getting some of ‘me’ back.
But it is bittersweet. This part of my life is over. Never again will I hold a newborn of my own in my arms.
I won’t miss the poonamis, the possetting, the fear and the loneliness that new motherhood brings. But I will miss you. I will miss you both more than you will ever know.
I am not ready. But I am ready. And tomorrow my loves, we will be ready together.
Love this? You can read more about going back to work after maternity leave here
Outnumbered. Wife to one man. Mother of two boys. Owner (slave) of one cat. Sales Account Executive. Football nut. Follower of cricket and occasionally golf. Lover of American TV dramas. Once avid reader, now occasional peruser of books I’d love to read.
Twitter – @MadnessOfMummy
Image Credit: Petra Harte Photography