I Wish I Had Known How Much I Would Love You

When I found out I was pregnant with our second baby I was over the moon.

Having had a miscarriage a few months earlier, I was so happy to be pregnant again but also anxious and hoping that everything would be ok.

And it was. The sickness came and absolutely floored me, during the big heatwave of 2018, the World Cup, I spent many a night retching away.

My daughter, two and a half at the time, would rub my back and say it’s okay mummy you’ll be okay, I will look after you.

Moments like that floored me and I started to think – how can I love another baby the way that I love her?

She is my world. She is my absolute world, my best friend and my greatest achievement.

My sister passed away during my pregnancy with my daughter and so every moment with her since has been precious.

How could I love another baby? What would it do to our bond?

The weeks passed and I ended up with severe pelvic girdle pain. I was signed off work. Suddenly I was home every day with my daughter. Me and her against the world whilst daddy was at work, the feelings crept up on me again.

How would she cope with the new arrival? What would happen in her little head – would she think we didn’t love her anymore?

I found out I was having a boy.

I’d always desperately wanted a girl and when we found out our first was a girl we were beyond happy.

Now this second baby id imagined would be another girl – sisters, walking hand in hand. My sister has gone – I miss her every single day, an ache in me that will never ever ease.

How would I love a boy as much as I love my daughter? These feelings consumed me. What if I didn’t love him?

I remember laying on the couch during the scan and being told I was having a boy and I was disappointed.

How could I have been disappointed?

My darling boy, if only I had known.

From the moment you were placed in my arms, I looked into your eyes and I knew.

I knew that my heart had grown to include you. I knew that you were everything I ever needed. My sweet boy.

Four months on and you have completed our family. You are so placid, so different to having a girl. You settle only for me, whereas your sister was fine with anyone. You gaze into my eyes as I feed you, whereas your sister would look all around.

You snuggle into me whereas your sister didn’t want to be held.

You beam at your sister like she’s the best thing in the world.

And she loves you. She is protective towards you and constantly wants to help me look after you.

To anyone feeling like there may not be enough love to go around, I want to reassure you. Your pot will be spilling over with love.

My darling boy. I wish I had known how much I would love you.

Image credit: Abbie Fry