Let’s be frank: we’re at our limit and sick of being told we can have it all. So can we really find a better balance for the sake of our sanity and our health? Absolutely, says Kate Dyson
Zoe* wasn’t sure if it was the festive overwhelm, or the argument with her husband where she didn’t feel heard, or even the build up of a year’s worth of remembering frankly fucking everything but at the beginning of the year, she felt the ‘snap’.
The ‘snap’, as Zoe calls it, came suddenly but sharply. “I was in the kitchen, writing another list for my husband to take to the shop. I was between a couple of other things which I’d stopped to write ‘the list’, and as I handed it to him he started to dispute the things on there. Did we really need the mustard? Had I checked if there was another washing liquid under the sink? There was garlic in the fridge – did the recipe really call for a whole extra bulb?”
Zoe didn’t answer. This was a familiar routine that they went through every time she asked David to go to the shop. But this time, something snapped inside of her and instead of eyerolling she calmly left the room, went into the garden, and screamed. David stood watching, totally baffled at his wife’s ‘odd’ behaviour.
Two weeks later, Zoe filed for divorce.
Frankly we’re overwhelmed and we’ve had enough.
For many women, the mental load of domesticity, having a family, work/life balance and more is overwhelming. The reality is that this ‘load’ is so out of balance that the burden we carry feels all consuming and overwhelming – which at best is frustrating, and at worst can have a huge impact on our mental and physical health.
The constant hum of to-do lists in our minds, the planning, remembering, considering, analysing, noticing and anticipating for everyone all of the time can become so profoundly monopolising of our mind that there feels to be very little space for ourselves.
It’s not about who is actually doing the tasks either – the mental load goes far deeper than that. The task itself, once allocated, is something we simply carry out. The mental load is the thinking, and the processing of that task – from remembering it needs to be done, to how it will be done, the time it needs to be done by, who will do it, the impact of it not being done – and it’s often underestimated how these little fleeting thoughts can build up when one person is thinking about it all, and another person… isn’t. Or is simply allowing the other person – you? – to be the ‘thinker’, so they don’t have to.
Like Zoe, Terri* also found herself to be one carrying the mental load of her relationship but noticed that there was an acceptance, of sorts, amongst her mum-friends. “There’s a peculiar joke amongst our friendship group that our partners don’t know what ‘we’ have bought our children for birthdays and Christmas until they open them in. I laugh along with it and at the same time, feel this internal rage that we are joking about something that I find so frustrating in our relationship. Why do we do that to ourselves?”
Why, indeed. Is it survival? A weird kind of bonding that women joke about their burden and accept – at least to others in the same boat – the weaponised incompetence of our other halves as a sort of ritual of marriage?
The communities that are saving our sanity
Fortunately, it’s clear we’re having more honest conversations about how this load disproportionately affects us – from Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play to communities such as Bridging the Gap, that help us to identify the disparity and address the gaps that create space for the mental load to affect one partner disproportionally.
The reality is that this invisible load is more harmful than we admit – from our mental wellbeing, to our physical health, the constant ‘fight or flight’ mode that the mental load pushes us into in order to have control over every aspect of life.
The way our body responds to ‘fight or flight’ mode is to increase cortisol, known as the ‘stress hormone’, to help us to adapt to a perceived threat. Great if we find ourselves facing off a snake or a bear – not so great if this is happening on a sustained basis because we’re in a constant fight or flight mode to manage everyday tasks.
Does anyone really consider the true impact of the ‘juggle’?
This impact on our physical health was something that was unexpected for Lydia, but became the key to understanding the constant fatigue she was experiencing. “I have PCOS, and I’m often low in B Vits, so for a long time I had simply assumed that the exhaustion I felt constantly was due to these issues.”
After another visit to her GP where they asked about her stress levels, Lydia researched how stress could affect her health and was surprised to find that there was a connection. “When we hear the word ‘stress’, I think we often think of work – which wasn’t a factor for me. But I was ‘stressed’ – and I realised that the reason for it was because I was the one in our relationship remembering things like when our kids had dental appointments, their lunch orders at school, the clubs and performances, the washing of uniforms and how many vegetables they had both eaten in a week and that was only the tip of the iceberg.”
A chore audit sounds like hell – but it was necessary
Lydia found a ‘chore audit’ online and sat down with her partner, Mark to go through it. Mark had felt confident before doing it that he was more than carrying his fair share – but the audit showed differently. “I’ll be honest, I hadn’t even considered half the stuff on there because Lyds just did it – and I didn’t even notice”, he admits.
For Lydia and Mark, the audit was not only revealing but it helped to rebalance the dynamic between them – with surprising benefits for Lydia’s health too. “I wouldn’t have believed this before, but after the audit and redistributing the ‘load’ between us to a fairer balance I feel more balanced myself. I don’t feel on edge all the time, and my body feels less ‘angry’ which is helping me manage the pain of PCOS, too. Weird, but welcome!”
Can we really manage the mental load? Absolutely.
Recognising the burden of the mental load is one thing, but managing it and reducing its impact is another thing entirely. It’s important to consider if those around you won’t take responsibility for the mental load and how it’s affecting you directly how you will deal with that – and for many women, that’s where the true block happens. Prioritising your mental and physical health is important and those who love and live with you should want the same thing.
But before arriving at lifechanging decisions that you might not yet be ready for, let’s take a look at three ways we can practically reduce the mental load for ourselves, and ensure that our partner and family are doing their best to take responsibility where they should be – or can.
Before we can share the load more equitably, we need to take stock of exactly what it entails. Often, the mental load feels so overwhelming because it’s scattered across our days in an endless stream of tasks. Writing these tasks down can be illuminating – and help everyone to see the entirety of what you are carrying.
This isn’t a task solely between you and your partner either. The mental load can be shared by your whole family – whether younger children take responsibility for tasks such as setting tables, or unloading the dishwasher, or older children can be responsible for remembering their own appointments using a diary, sorting and washing laundry, or walking and feeding family pets at the very least.
1. Grab a pen and paper and do that bloody audit
Gather those who should be sharing the responsibility for the mental load and together, work through either a list you can find online (search ‘mental load audit and plenty of ticksheets will pop up on Google) or write one together. List EVERYTHING, no matter how small or significant the thing is, it’s still something that needs to be detailed to give a proper overview. This should include not just the obvious chores like cleaning or cooking, but the invisible ones: planning meals, booking appointments, tracking kids’ homework, buying gifts, remembering birthdays, and so on.
Seeing it all written out can be a game-changer. It brings into focus just how much we’ve been carrying and provides a basis for meaningful conversations about how to distribute it more fairly. Fair doesn’t always mean equal, but it does mean ensuring everyone takes responsibility for their share and contributes in a more equitable way.
2. For the love of God, stop using the word ‘help’
One of the most important shifts we can make is moving away from the idea that others in our household are there to ‘help.’ Asking for help implies that the responsibility is still ultimately ours and that anything others do is an act of kindness rather than an obligation. This framing reinforces the imbalance, making it harder to achieve real change.
Instead of asking your children to help with chores, teach them to notice what needs to be done in the home. Ask them to focus on a room, or an area and look to see what they can change, put away, organise. This helps teach kids not only to take responsibility for the needs of a household but also to independently recognise when a task needs to be completed – rather than developing a ‘I didn’t know’, or ‘you didn’t tell me’ attitude to chores.
3. Give everyone a job and put your feet up for 10 mins
Finding a system that works for everyone is important – and while invariably there will no doubt be a delegation role held by one person (likely you, if you are the one carrying the mental load), once the responsibility is passed over it becomes theirs to ‘own’ and be accountable for.
This isn’t a haphazard task – it’s about creating systems together that are agreed upon. This might mean assigning specific roles – for example, one person manages the food shop, while another maintains the family diary – and it can play to strengths in each other, too. If you have teens, then the responsibility they can hold can be greater than younger children and will benefit them as they become adults and prepare to leave home.
Simplification is equally important. Letting go of perfection can be tricky and there can be a temptation to jump in and ‘teach’ – but that not only removes the responsibility but it also means you aren’t rid of the mental load of the task. Set an expectation for what ‘completion’ looks like when delegating tasks.
For example; tidying might include dusting and hoovering, not just putting things away. Managing the food shop could include speaking to other members of the household to ask for their input, and putting the groceries away after the shopping. It could be ensuring that the pet’s vet appointments are up to date, AND giving regular worming treatments.
Finally, prioritising self-care is non-negotiable. This doesn’t mean bubble baths or spa days (unless you want it to!); it’s about carving out time for activities that replenish your energy and bring you joy, and restore your sense of self.