To mark 100 blogs on The Motherload® we want to celebrate the very best of YOU, the MOLOs who bring us such honesty, and wisdom, and of course, filthy, filthy humour. So we proudly present to you our gift, The MOLO Lexicon. Feel free to add to the list below.
(Pronunciation: MO-low or MOLL-Oh)
Definition: A member of The Motherload®. A hybrid word, like MoFo, without the profanity but all of the cool. A MOLO finds solidarity among other mothers, likes wine and/or gin, secretly shoves ‘treats’ into her gob in the kitchen behind a closed door, loves her kids, but accepts that sometimes they are feral little rat-bags.
Definition: horizontal exercise involving coitus with your husband/life partner/baby-daddy. Usually happens around once per month. Quite possibly the only workout you get, unless you’re counting chasing the three year old around trying to get them to put their pants on.
Definition: a child whose default response to everything is ‘no’ regardless of whether you are offering them an ice-cream, an opportunity to tidy their room, or a trip to Clown Town.
Definition: a hybrid word, combining the expletives ‘tw*t’ and ‘c**t’. To be used when neither word is appropriate, but someone really is a total and utter twunt.
Circle of Neglect
(Pronunciation: erm… sir-cull ov neg-lekt)
Definition: Many a mother has been delighted to discover the Fisher Price Jumperoo. This garish, noisy beast threatens to take over your living room and you may even loathe it for a time. Until you discover its magical child-entertaining properties. Older babies will be utterly thrilled to be incarcerated in the Circle of Neglect while parents can breathe easy for a good half hour and amuse themselves. Some adults have been known to shed tears when their child moves on from the CoN.
(Pronunciation: isn’t it bloody obvious? You really shouldn’t be asking someone with PMT…)
Definition: the worst kind of period pain, stabbing, horrible, fanny agony. Also experienced often during pregnancy, so may also be referred to as pregnancy fanny, similar. Or.. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT IN MY VAG?
Definition: another satisfying swearword; more elaborate than ‘twat’ alone. Can be interchanged with ‘twunt’. To be applied when someone is significantly worse than a standard twat.
Definition: a delicious term for a male who is acting in an inappropriate manner (i.e not sharing chores in the home, over entitled to their own social life etc) towards a person they are supposed to worship and adore, usually used out of earshot, and amongst other females.
Definition: there is a moment for every parent when you realise that your darling, cute little three year old has suddenly turned into a full blown teenager; complete with attitude, sulking, huffing and puffing over any request for their assistance and if you are really lucky, a propensity to sleeping anywhere and everywhere, at precisely the wrong time.
(Pronunciation: T-eye-nee Dick-tate-or)
Definition: the Poonami may be accompanied by a red, straining face in the child. This indicates a short window to brace oneself for the torrent of shit that will come forth, spreading itself outside the confines of the nappy, all up the child’s back, legs, head, arms. Often bright orange in colour. A full bath usually follows, as does the burning of any clothing that has come into contact.
*This is a prime time to remind readers that envelope necked tops and bodysuits are designed to be rolled DOWN over the baby’s body, rather than up, and over head, and performing weird limbo dance with child to avoid covering their face with poo.
Definition: another hybrid combination; this time between Gut and C*nt. A Gunt is an unfortunate side affect of carrying a child within your body for nine months. Sometimes referred to as a ‘C-Section Shelf’ (although not confined sadly to those who have had a c-section birth), this is a fleshy pouch of fat that deposits itself at the top of one’s pubic mound, and just under the gut area, thus combining the two into a bulbous entity that can only rarely be removed with anything lesser than liposuction.
Pronunciation: (Oh god, this is exhausting) VEZ-sue-vee-us V-oh-M)
Definition: the Vesuvius Vom is an event, rather than a thing. Usually happening in the middle of the night, and after a full stomach of milk is taken, this is a vomit of epic proportion, that covers the parent, child, chair, ceiling, toys, books, carpet, curtains.. you get the idea, and will typically last for what seems like a million hours. And look like cottage cheese.
(Pronunciation: Muh-Mee Joo-suh)
Definition: Nectar of the Gods. Saviour of souls and sanity. Imbiber of peace. Also known as: WINE.
(Pronunication: P-lay-inG Skrabb-ell)
Definition: Codeword. Delivered with a nod and a wink to your betrothed, over the heads of small humans in close vicinity. Does not, in any way, involve actual Scrabble. Although ‘word porn’ IS apparently a Thing.
(Pronunciation: Peer-ree-od Pu-ooh)
Definition: a period poo is like NONE OTHER. Arriving moments either before, or after your monthly bleed, it is preceded by an extreme bloat, and the odd noxious fart, and possibly also Fanny Daggers. Those experiencing Period Poo should be warned that there is no such thing as passing a quick silent pump whilst around fellow people – even outdoors, the fumes of a brewing Period Poo can be smelt within a 5 mile radius. When finally passed, it is best done in the privacy of one’s own home. It will STINK, a smell akin to dead rats and fermenting cheese, with a sprig of broccoli. And it will stick to the toilet, so help yourself to plenty of loo roll in advance and line that pan in readiness. Immense, exalting, panting relief will follow.
Have you spotted one which we’ve missed off the list? Add it to the comments below!
About Kate Dyson
Founder of The Motherload®. Wife, mum to two girls, two cats and shit loads of washing in baskets that sit around the house waiting to be ironed. It never happens.
Hater of exercise, denier of weight gain, lover of wine.