The Motherload’s Top Motherland Moments

The Motherload’s Top Motherland Moments

Ever get the feeling that the writers behind the BBC series Motherland are actually watching your every move? Whether you feel like your life is mirrored by Julia, Liz, Kevin, or (ahem) Amanda, the brilliantly-observed comedy feels VERY relatable to anyone who’s in the trenches of motherhood and is prone to the odd child-related drama, work-related meltdown or school gates shaming.

And if you have ever wondered whether the series is even remotely realistic, with it’s parenting disasters, Alpha Mums and epic working mum stress levels, yep. It is.

I asked the members of The Motherload® Facebook group what their most Motherland moment was after sharing a few of my own:

1. My most Motherland moment was forgetting to get off the train home from work and ending up 60 miles further north in Doncaster when I should have been picking the kids up from after school club/nursery. Well I say forgot. I was so busy working that I had no idea I was approaching my station. Then I spilled tea all over myself and only realised it was my stop as the train pulled away from my home town. Fuck! (Sorry child with mother) Legged it to the door, pulled down the window and shouted “I need to get off!” The guard on the platform shook his head as the train moved along slowly. The rest of my tea was leaking from my bag, down my back (damn you, eco cup). I cried all the way to Doncaster. The train guard gave me Prosecco. I was very, very late for pick up. Alison McGarragh-Murphy

2. I once visibly lactated in the office – actual tit puddles all over my top – when showing a photo of my baby to a (male) work colleague. Alison McGarragh-Murphy again. 

3. My mum had bought me this really nice grey wool cape thing for my birthday, it was a designer brand, much fancier than something I would buy, so I wore it with jeans and a top on the school run thinking how warm and stylish I looked. One of the mums came over and said loudly “ooh I like your cape, they were really in about four years ago, weren’t they?”. FUCKER. And SO Amanda. Alison, again. 

Luckily, it’s not just me who can relate a bit too much to Motherland…

4. I went on one of those treetop adventure things on holiday. I picked the smallest child to look after as I thought that would get me out of having to do high-wire zip-line horror stuff. 10 minutes into the 2 hour session he pissed right through his clothes, the harness and even his shoes. I had no spares. Couldn’t find husband. So I built him a new set of trousers out of my jumper. Sophie Law

5. My daughter had an explosive poonami at a friend’s house while playing on the floor. I was thinking how lucky she didn’t have carpets when I realised it had somehow sprayed up the wall behind her so I was frantically trying to sort her out and dab the paintwork and skirting board with wipes. Jill Misson

6. I went for an early pregnancy scan when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was so anxious! When she asked me to lift my top what I heard was “take off your trousers and knickers”… so there I was, standing in my Donald Duck costume, with a very shocked sonographer and a student midwife. The scan went well but I was definitely left red faced! Jenny Apostolos

7. My most Motherland Moment has to be the birthday party as per the first episode. With the sick kid and the party I was too polite to cancel, overrun with too many people (because I was too polite to limit numbers) and being very stressed and pissed off with my OH/mum/dad who didn’t seem to get how important it was that this went welll. And the shit party entertainer who was very inappropriate (hitting his puppet and making dry asides to the adults about alcoholism etc.) Rebecca Kiran

8. I walked around for 20 minutes with a HUGE solid baby bogey ball on my cheek didn’t I? AND we had friends around!!!! Naomi Leyton

9. My best school gate moment would be a really lovely mum of slightly older kids chatting to me about the madness of having 4 little ones. She was so nice and kind and then ended it with “it is tough and I have no idea how you do it at your age! Well done”.  I am 36, not ancient, I just have twins so maybe look ancient. Katie London

10. I went to kiss goodbye the teacher instead of my son. She was horrified. Hannah Pobjoy

11. Being the faux cocky step mum, I turned up to my step son’s sports day in my running gear (twat, I know) genuinely thinking I can make him proud of me. The parents’ race comes, I line up, I’m ready to win. The only neglected feature of my workout attire was the right trainers for running, instead I was sporting Primark pumps. The claxon goes, I leg it down the track with Chariots of Fire blaring in my ears (imaginary version, naturally). Silence. Laughter. As I look up from the grass the kind head teacher is scraping me up off the floor and my step son, won’t even make eye contact. Mortified. Trying my best to be the blonde one from Motherland when really I’m the one in my PJs on a night out Freyja Morgan

12. I can’t remember anything before colliding headfirst with a lamp post yesterday morning during an extremely rainy drop off. We’d given up on the non-existent bus and I was half dragging reluctant twins to school. When I signed in late I was tempted to put the truth, but just wrote “bus issues”. Ellie Bennett

13. I was rushing around to get two kids to two different places 15 miles apart, getting up to find the dogs have shit in the conservatory and I’m gagging, and pregnant. I leave AN HOUR before I’m supposed to start work but still stop off to get a bacon sandwich after last drop off because PREGNANT then turn up to work late and cry because Photoshop has lost all my tools. Siani Driver

14. Mine has to be running through Centre Parcs back to our villa as our baby had exploded diarrhoea all down me, my poor Christmas penguin jumper! Sarah Pawsey

Image credit: BBC/Motherland

Alison McGarragh-Murphy

Alison McGarragh-Murphy writes and edits stuff for The Motherload, and is also a radio producer and broadcast journalist, a mum of two and a wife of one. Since becoming a mother she has (mostly) gladly swapped a busy social life of gigs, pubs, art galleries and museums for dancing in the kitchen, drinking on the sofa, finger painting and hanging out at the park. She talks incessantly about not having slept for five years. Follow Alison on Twitter @BertaFanta and on Facebook @ammblogs

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