Up The Duff: My Blog On The Slog

Up The Duff: My Blog On The Slog

15 year old me; ‘One day I’m going to be a mum, I can’t wait, and being pregnant will be so amazing! Most natural thing in the world! I’ll rub my bump and wear dungarees and it will be beautiful’

35 year old pregnant with baby number 2 me; ‘Oh come on 40 weeks!!!!!!’

Let’s make this very clear up front, I know how hugely lucky I am to be carrying this little gift, I am enormously grateful for that, but my God, the whole being pregnant bit is just a means to an end that I am desperate to get to! Between my job and my toddler, this pregnancy is way harder than the first was!

Allow me to plot the journey….

Weeks 4-12


So I found out I was pregnant VERY early on which only extends this time of worry. Rather than enjoy any aspect of it I just fretted. Having miscarried before I was just reading into EVERYTHING. Do I still have symptoms? What does that discharge mean? Is that a cramp? How many pregnancy tests can I do in these first few weeks to make sure the line is still strong….21 in case you wondered. It was exhausting.


On top of stress exhaustion there’s the ACTUAL physical fatigue of a growing human who isn’t yet benefiting from a placenta and needs to sap all your resources. Very fortunately for me my work had recently implemented ‘energy pods’ to promote well-being- a great place for half an hours snooze when I just couldn’t keep my eyes open


Like, rock hard, painful, a light breeze will make you sob.


Largely dealing with all of the above alone and trying to hide it, because you daren’t tell anyone about your little miracle until that coveted 12 week scan and confirmation

Weeks 13-25


At this point I still had a lot of puking going on, and if not actual vomit, then at least that horrid waffy feeling of nausea. Not ideal at work…..or anywhere.


Just like bumholes, everyone has one! And I get to hear them whether I want to or not.

Weeks 26-almost there;


When I stand, I walk like John Wayne for a minute while my vagina adjusts to having a head just inside it!

My boobs are filling with milk and if they’re not leaking they just feel like they’re going to explode.

My pelvis and back are groaning under the strain.

I have NO room to take a deep breath, my lungs are squished.

I have a pile big enough to warrant a name. Introducing Piers Pile!


My bladder only has enough room now to hold maybe ONE brew so I need to know where my nearest loo is….and this being the second pregnancy I need to make sure I can get there before I piss myself!


My beautiful, clever, fun-loving happy toddler is about to have his whole world tipped on its head, and while I know that a sibling is the hugest thing I can give him, I still feel fucking awful that he’ll have to share his ‘centre of the universe’ title!

I am on the countdown now though and so close to meeting this little miracle that has stretched me and nourished from me, another life that me and my partner have made. And if my son has taught me anything, as soon as I hold this baby, all of the above will melt away into nothingness.

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