I’ve lived with depression since the age of 12 and those days were hard but nothing in comparison to fighting depression as a mum.
There are days I wake up and my head feels like it’s in a vice, a headache like no other.
Pounding, heavy, relentless.
Before I even open my eyes I know today my movements will be stiff, as though I am wading through treacle. I just want to hide from the world.
But my thoughts are soon interrupted by squeals of, “Mum, mum, mum!”.
Another day of being mum begins and I already wish it was bedtime.
I wonder what life is like without depression, how it feels to wake up, feeling refreshed, light and free. How it feels to be a mum without depression. If only I could glimpse into that world for one day.
The sun is shining but I feel like I have my own personal storm cloud looming over my head, ready to pour without a moment’s notice.
When days without the storm appear, I feel nervous and on edge. Happiness is outside my comfort zone and I’m never quite sure how to cope with it. I try to embrace it, to ‘bank’ those memories to pull out on the bad days, to remind me that things will be okay. It’s not always easy though and I often fall short of living in the moment because I am so fearful the cloud will appear again, that I can’t settle and just enjoy the present.
I worry about being good enough, all the damn time.
Am I giving my children enough of me?
There are days where they spend too long being occupied by technology because I just can’t adult, I can’t find the energy reserves to properly engage with them, and that sucks. I hate that there are days like that but I also need to remind myself that I am doing my best and looking after myself is a priority, that those days aren’t going to mark the ruin of my children, they will survive, just as I am doing.
Those are the days where I need to take no notice of the things that ‘should’ be done and concentrate my energy on the essential things, are my kids fed, warm and loved? Yes. Then I’m winning, even on days where it feels I’m slowly sinking.
I never feel truly good enough and that is something I am trying really hard to work on. One of my favourite sayings is; ‘There is no way to be a perfect mum, but 100 ways to be a good one’.
I think we all need reminding that at times, we are good enough.
I’m trying to remember that on the days that the storm cloud arrives.