You’re as young as you feel, so the saying goes. But if you find yourself craving Werther’s Originals, shopping for blankets or being irritated by teenagers having fun, perhaps you’re not young at all. Perhaps its time to accept you are firmly on the road to being a wrinkly old curmudgeon.
Here are five signs you’re ready to embrace your inner pensioner:
1. You see someone wearing high heels and have a lengthy and detailed thought process (they hurt, you can’t run away from an attacker in them, are they anti-feminist?) before concluding that there is absolutely no reason why anyone would even entertain the idea of wearing them.
2. You go into a vaguely fashionable chain store and it looks like your entire wardrobe circa 1993 has been put into mass production: lumberjack shirts, Doc Martens, crop tops. You laugh so hard that your muffin top surges over the top of your Boden jeans, and leave.
3. You feel smug on Sunday mornings because you drank just enough wine to feel pleasantly woozy but not so much that you have even the whiff of a hangover. Even at 6am. (Note: each of you will have your optimum alcohol intake, mine is 2.5 glasses of Sauvignon Blanc)
4. You look at Brooklyn Beckham/Justin Bieber/Jaden Smith and get a motherly twang because they are SO SWEET. (Note: if you have adolescent thoughts, you are probably too young to embrace your inner pensioner)
5. Autumn arrives and you get properly excited when you realise that it’s time to order a new pair of slippers. (Appropriate celebration: getting into your pyjamas as soon as the kids are in bed so you can browse slipper websites in perfect peace.)
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About Alison McGarragh-Murphy
Alison writes and edits stuff for The Motherload®, and is also a radio producer and broadcast journalist, a mum of two and a wife of one. Since becoming a mother she has (mostly) gladly swapped a busy social life of gigs, pubs, art galleries and museums for dancing in the kitchen, drinking on the sofa, finger painting and hanging out at the park. She talks incessantly about not having slept for three-and-half years.