Getting ready for school in the mornings really is one of the great delights of parenthood, isn’t it? Who are we kidding? The stress of getting other humans dressed, fed, clean AND out of the front door before any normal person would want to even be out of bed is enough to drive you completely round the twist, or give you a coronary. Take your pick. Either way it’s total hell, no matter how zen you feel when your alarm (okay, child) goes off first thing.
Here are my Ten Truths About Getting Ready for School in the Morning:
1. Nobody gives a shit about being late. Except you.
2. The morning will always start with a good vibe but acrimony is a dead cert by the time you’re getting your coats on.
3. Everybody will demand an elaborate breakfast, such as toast. Because a bowl of Cheerios would just be too easy.
4. The gentle prompt ‘Time to get dressed darling’ can morph into ‘put your clothes on NOW or I will have to take you to school in your pants’ in under three minutes. The instruction to get dressed will have been delivered approximately 35 times during that time window.
5. There is always time for at least one mention of telling the teacher about their behaviour because she has WAY more authority than you do.
6. The time which you have to get yourself ready is rapidly eroded by necessary mum duties including dispute resolution, cajoling and the urgent request to plait a My Little Pony’s tail RIGHT NOW, because failing to do so would result in an epic meltdown. And frankly, you have to leave in three minutes so the pony ends up looking more groomed than you do.
7. The toddler will always want to take a large and inappropriate toy with them, and expect you to carry it.
8. Teeth and hair will be brushed in less than 30 seconds. Doing it on the doorstep with the front door wide open is optional.
9. The moment a child is wearing their mittens, they will decide they need the toilet.
10. The second you lock the front door and head down the path, you remember you should have brought the waterproofs for forest school/reading book/feedback notes, and have to round up the troops and turn back again.
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