First of all I would like to start by saying thank you. Thank you for introducing me to gin, for raising me not to feel entitled, to value hard work, appreciate those who help us and all that we have in our own lives. Thank you for moulding me into a woman who believes in equality and for just making me absolutely wonderful. You did a cracking job, truly I am great…now. As an adult. But I know that when I was younger, there were moments when I was a little shit. And now that I am a mother myself, I apologise for the hell I put you through.
I apologise for refusing to eat the skin of an orange segment, not the actual orange peel, but the thin white segment layer that you cannot really taste at all. I’m sorry that I made you pick that off. It must have been really bloody hard not to shove it down my throat.
I apologise for pretending to need a wee at night-time just so I could see you.
I apologise for behaving like I had been possessed every time the dreaded Clarks trip for new shoes came around. Or the dentist, or the Sainsbury’s shop, or my weekly swimming lesson.
I apologise for thinking you were ruining my life when you wouldn’t let me out to play in the park on my own when I was 8 years old, and I apologise for yelling this at you in a melodramatic manner. This would later be repeated when I was 15 and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to stay out late at a house party.
I apologise for helping myself to your secret chocolate stash in the top cupboard of the pantry. And then blaming my little sister, the dog and even dad.
I apologise for the times that I told you I hated you, when I actually just didn’t like you very much at the time.
I apologise for not allowing you to brush my hair, wash it or do the nit comb. And then chastising you as I grew up for cutting it short like a boy. I am close to getting the clippers out now.
I apologise for wanting you to return my little sister when she born, and for telling you that I hated her. I apologise for the times when I doubted that you loved us both equally, and for the times that I hurt her out of jealousy and anger. I am sorry for the times still when we fight, as I know that you love us both so dearly and it must feel wrong and sad.
I apologise for the times I pretended to run away, but really just hid in the alleyway halfway up the road and came home after 30 minutes because I was bored and hungry.
I’m sorry for refusing to get out of bed and get ready in the mornings for the childminders when I know you had work. And I’m sorry that on a Saturday morning when you could have a lie in, I’d get up at 5am.
I am sorry for telling you that I didn’t like my dinner, and for living off jacket potatoes and chicken nuggets for about 6 years. I’m also sorry for the ‘vegetarian phase’.
I am sorry for all of these things and more. Because now my daughter is doing them to me. And mum, I really need some help through it.
Lots of love,
Your ever apologetic daughter, Rowan
A normal mum living a chaotic, gin infused life with my two daughters, lovely Fiancé and our two sausages. Spending my life standing on My Little Ponies and Shopkins. Instagram and scented candle-obsessed. Occasional hippy and serious shopaholic. Passionate about politics and lipstick.
Image credit: Rowan Lawfull’s mum