If you’d told me I’d be writing this blog a year ago, I would have laughed in your face and told you it was more likely that Tom Hardy was going to knock on my door (butt naked) with a bottle of wine in one hand and a Double Decker in the other. But this is my new beginning.
I am living in MY own house. A house that I chose, in the location that I wanted and that I love. There is no one controlling when I can have the heating on or saying no to me painting the walls a certain colour. However, most importantly it’s MINE, he has absolutely no financial control over me anymore. I’m on my own, but so far, so good.
I am controlling my own finances. I’m ashamed to admit that up until last year I had never paid a utility bill or arranged an MOT for a car. This is obviously partly my fault for allowing the control to happen but I believed I wasn’t capable of it. But I am and I will continue to be in control and organised from now on (I’ve even given up my daily Costa coffee trips).
I smiled when I received my Decree Absolute papers. I don’t think I ever thought I’d smile about that. I initiated the divorce after I discovered that he’d been unfaithful but I still had a lot of falling out of love to do. In fact I thought I would always think of him as my husband but all he is to me now is B’s father. The only contact we have is about B, no more money arguments or nasty and costly solicitors letters – heaven. I will never forgive him for what he did to me but it just doesn’t matter to me anymore.
Finally, I think and hope I’ve found someone to make my life complete (where’s some bloody wood to touch?!) I have met (through the minefield that is online dating), the most incredible man.
He is funny, considerate, understanding and very loving (bloody gorgeous too!). So what’s the issue?!
The only problem is that I still can’t quite believe it and I’m waiting for it all to go Pete Tong because that’s what happens to me right? Wrong.
I do deserve to be in a good relationship with a lovely man and yes, it may go wrong but it also might go really well.
I’m choosing to believe it will only get better.
I’m choosing to believe that he’s not sick in his mouth when he touches my saggy mummy tummy.
I’m choosing to believe that he doesn’t want something when he offers to do the washing up.
I’m choosing to believe that he does think I’m pretty.
I’m choosing to believe that he has accepted that B is the most important thing in my life.
I’m choosing to believe that I deserve him.
I’m choosing to believe that I deserve all of this.
Life doesn’t always go our way and I’m certain that it won’t always go my way but we do always have the choice to believe that we can improve it, whether it’s finances, parenting or relationships.
It’s going to take a long time until I fully accept and believe the above, but I’m going to try my bloody hardest.
We all deserve to be happy, loved and living the life we want.
We just need to choose to believe that we deserve it.
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Jessica is a single and divorced mum of one very gorgeous and very ginger 5 year old girl, living in Norfolk. She is also a full time high school teacher, lover of singing, Tom Hardy and master Lego builder. You can follow her on Instagram and here’s her fabulous blog
Image credit: Flickr/Smiley Face, John Earl September 4th 2011