There are things no one tells you about pregnancy. Whoever decided that pregnant women glow, and bloom, and look all glossy and shiny and healthy was clearly either mental or a man. Those of us who have actually been pregnant know that the miraculous process of making a brand-new human from scratch is in reality, a rather unglamorous task.
Natasha told The Motherload®: “We are an ICSI IVF pregnancy so had rose-tinted views on pregnancy. Here are some of the things that people failed to mention to me, or glossed over prior to pregnancy…
1. Morning sickness. Well, that’s a lie straight off! It’s all bloody day and night sickness and continues well into the second trimester!! And for me the third.
2. My boobs are not enormous they are ginormous! And whilst it was great at first it just became a pain in the arse. And whilst on the subject of boobs WTF is up with the massive chocolate digestive nipples?
3. I can no longer see my fanny or anything from the boobs down. This equals death-defying positions in the shower with mirrors trying to see what your doing when trying to tidy the lady garden, ready for consultant/midwife appointments.
4. Involuntary incontinence at 30 years old – yep that’s right, pissing yourself, whether it be from sneezing or laughing. Time to bring out the Tenalady.”
And when she asked The Motherload® what they felt had been missed off the NCT curriculum, the MOLOs didn’t let her down…
5. No one ever told me that you could get stretch-marks on your fanny.
6. What about huge puffy foo lips?!?!
7. I just had my baby and discovered soon after that underneath my belly-button had got hairy! Husband didn’t tell me and I couldn’t see it!
8. Try having varicose veins on your lady-bits.
9. Stretch marks that appear AFTER you have the baby (I didn’t have any before having my daughter).
10. Piles ladies, piles. My husband thought it was HILARIOUS and even named it Polly. But it fucking hurt and I was in tears for 3 days. Baby is 4 months now and Polly is still, erm, hanging around.
11. You will also experience all sorts of ‘mucus’ DOWN THERE for a long time post-partum, and the term ‘Egg White Cervical Mucus’ will finally make a LOT of sense. (Oh god, ewww)
12. But, enjoy people telling you to sit down at every opportunity, silky hair and the guilt-free feeling of eating anything you want! The nipples do die down (they scared the shit out of me!)
So, there we have it; the stuff no one tells you about pregnancy, according to The Motherload®.
~ By Natasha and The Motherload®, edited by Alison McGarragh-Murphy
Did we miss some? We want YOUR tales from the front line of Motherhood. Feel free to add your own horrors to the list in the comments below.
About Alison McGarragh-Murphy
Alison writes and edits stuff for The Motherload®, and is also a radio producer and broadcast journalist, a mum of two and a wife of one. Since becoming a mother she has (mostly) gladly swapped a busy social life of gigs, pubs, art galleries and museums for dancing in the kitchen, drinking on the sofa, finger painting and hanging out at the park. She talks incessantly about not having slept for three-and-half years.
http://www.twitter.com/BertaFanta
Photo: 25 Weeks by Sara Neff (cc) Flikr.com
3 comments
Amber Farrar
27th July 2016 at 10:50 amHaha I was going to do a peice on exactly this! I missed your post on the forum or I’d have added the following:
1) rhinisitus – The constant snivvling, runny nose that requires going to bed with tissue crammed up each nostril. Fit!
2) Sciatica – suddenly being stabbed in the back by an invisible assailant resulting in your leg buckling beneath you and the dropping of your shocked toddler onto the changemat as you’re lowering them (yep, that happened).
3) Foggy brain – becoming a complete moron where the simplest of tasks confonuds you. I actually shut my own leg in the car door. Twice.
4) Nipple daggers – is this just me? I swear someone has a voodoo doll of me and I have to stop myself from publicly grabbing them whilst gasping in pain and shock!
5) Wind – good god the wind! Especially during the first trimester. It was like a chorus of smelly ducks were folling me around (that’s what my husband said it sounded like).
6) Heartburn – I crave food and yet food physically pains me with acid down my throat!
7) Emotions – Crying at everything. Andrex adverts, cute old couples. Ugh!
8) Touching – No you can’t touch me you weird old stranger! GET AWAY FROM ME!
OK I’m done for now.
Alison_MotherloadHQ
27th July 2016 at 11:35 pmOh wow! If only I’d consulted you on this post. A litany of pregnancy horrors… X
Carine
10th January 2017 at 11:35 pmThe ankles that double in size! And no you can’t elevate your legs 24h a day.
God knows how ladies who are due in winter do it. I had to wear flip flops for 5 months!
The hunger. You’re hungry. All. The. Time.
It’s impossible not to become the size of a whale, even when you try.
The morons asking you if you are expecting twins. No, I can assure you there is only one bun in the oven.