You know when you’re bringing up small folks and sometimes you have a kind of out of body experience and you actually hear the words that are coming from your mouth as though it isn’t really you who is saying them? This is usually because kids do some pretty bizarre and downright grotty stuff, causing you to say things which you never, ever thought you would have to utter. With thanks to all on The Motherload®’s Facebook group who contributed to this brilliant list:
20 Things You Thought You’d Never Say
1. “Please don’t kiss the toilet”
2. “Stop licking the TV!”
3. “It’s not chocolate it’s poo!”
4. “Stop putting your finger up your bum!”
5. “Yes darling, worms do still wiggle even after you’ve bitten it in half”
6. “No, your front bum is not a pocket, please stop trying to store things in there”
7. “Don’t put your willy on your apple!”
8. “Can you stop licking the window”
9. “Look at me….WITH YOUR EYES OPEN.”
10. “Don’t lick the toilet brush please”
11. “Is this a dried slug on the kitchen side?” (“Oh mum you found it!!”)
12. “Do not operate the iPad with your penis”
13. “Please take your head out of the oven”
15. “No you can’t sleep with a turtle on your head”
16. “Don’t lick the dogs!!!”
17. “Don’t eat food out of the bin!”
18. “Don’t chew the table!”
19. “It’s not called a sausage roll, it’s your front bottom”
And last, but definitely not least…
20. “Stop letting your sister tug on your willy. Don’t touch your brother’s willy. Don’t ever touch a willy. Ever. Never ever.”
About Alison McGarragh-Murphy
Alison writes and edits stuff for The Motherload®, and is also a radio producer and broadcast journalist, a mum of two and a wife of one. Since becoming a mother she has (mostly) gladly swapped a busy social life of gigs, pubs, art galleries and museums for dancing in the kitchen, drinking on the sofa, finger painting and hanging out at the park. She talks incessantly about not having slept for three-and-half years.
Thanks to Katie, Kim, Donna, Priya, Kirsty, Marianne, Kate, Carley, Aimee, Kate, Louise, Carol, Lyndsey and all the ever-hilarious MOLOs who contributed to this.
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